How we do know we’re a good kisser? I mean, we all assume we are, as nobody’s actively broken away from our tender embrace, wiped their mouth and told us, “Do you want some of this saliva back?” But how can we be sure? Usually, the person being kissed badly will suffer in silence, for fear of hurting your feelings.

But there’s no room for complacency and every man should make it his goal to be the best kisser he can possibly be – it should be point one on your personal manifesto. Kiss someone the right way and they will be talking about it for decades. It doesn’t help that you have to rely on someone else to perfect your technique, and if you’re also on the receiving end of a limp tongue sandwich, it can hinder your development. Thankfully, I have been busy road testing what’s out there and honing my technique and if you follow these simple steps, I promise you’ll be well on your way to being a tonsil-hockey champion.

1. Preparation

How’s your breath? What’s the situation? If you both had French onion soup for dinner then it may be OK, but if not, pop some gum and chew discreetly before going in for the big lick. Think, too, about your positioning: will you have to leap or lunge to plant your kiss? Clumsy pouncing belongs in romcoms and while spontaneity is a thing, if you want to come across dashing about this, you will need some pois

2. Timing

Does the person want to be kissed? Are you in a “moment”? Or are you just drunk and have nothing more to say? A kiss that is anticipated or at least seems right in context will always be better received than planting a snog on your other half at the supermarket checkout or in a last-ditch attempt to make someone fancy you.

3. Moisture

I won’t lie, getting this right is like perfecting a Victoria sponge – too wet or dry and it’s game over. A soggy kisser is a huge letdown; it immediately cancels out how hot you are or how nice you’ve been all night. Maybe you’re one of those guys who naturally has great pools of saliva waiting for escape, like an excitable Bernese Mountain Dog. To restrict your flow, switch often between deep tonguing and lightly pecking – sensual if you do it right – so your saliva can retreat and avoid a build-up of drool in your partner’s mouth.

4. Teasing

Worth remembering that some people don’t like to do it the French way. In other words, prefer not to kiss with tongues. French resistance! This is a shame because pecks on the lips are best reserved for deathbeds and toddlers, but you shouldn’t force the issue. Instead, make them want it. Kiss them anywhere but the face. To get them going, neck is good, or that bit by the ears is also a good bet. Some even favour a tongue right in the ear but you are dicing with death (and earwax) there so watch yourself. Once you’ve paid all that extra attention elsewhere, you may find they’re soon grabbing your chin with both hands to get you right in for the main event.

5. Force

There is something very exciting about a passionately aggressive snog, yes, but it’s not sustainable for a long session. That’s why, in films (again), aggressive kissers start ripping their clothes off immediately as a distraction from imminent death by stubble rash. Err on the side of caution, then, especially with a newbie. Start gently, by teasing with barely-there kisses, gradually working up to that “two tumble dryers going at it on the San Andreas Fault” vibe. Going from nought to 60 is for test driving a car only. When it comes to kissing, it’s all about the build-up.

6. Tongue

OK, so, much as it is with penetrative sex, whacking it in is not enough; we need movement. Say no to the dead tongue. Do not be the guy who stands there with his tongue protruding like he just licked a frozen window. Enthusiasm not only improves the kiss, it’s… sexy. It shows you want them, want this. Change things up and work it fast, then slow, from deep to shallow. No need to set your satnav straight for the tonsils – you want them to survive the experience. You can tell if you’re doing it right because usually, if they’re enjoying themselves, they’ll reciprocate and start to mirror your technique.

7. Appreciation

A bit of noise can go a long way – although I’m talking the odd low moan or slightly enhanced panting to show you’re enjoying yourself rather than pausing the action to go full town crier, complete with handbell. Hopefully they will respond, which is a good way of checking your excitable tongue hasn’t choked them to death. Some detractors may tell you noise during kissing or sex is unmanly. They are wrong. It is hot. Not that they’d know – men who spend their time obsessing over stuff like that are never ever hot.

8. Exploration

Thing is, a kiss on the mouth is absolutely amazing but it can get quite monotonous once you’re out of your teenage year, where three hours clamped, unmoving, to someone’s lips is the height of erotica. This doesn’t mean you should rush to oral sex, but maybe, during your routine, kissing other parts of the face and neck would do it. But go lightly, not slobbery. Never ever kiss the end of someone’s nose, unless you’re absolutely sure they’d be into it. It can be oddly creepy.

9. Review

Let’s end that silence for good. Breaking away and saying “That was fantastic” is bound to get you a repeat performance. Kiss like you mean it.

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