If you’re going to go the distance long-distance, you’ll have to keep things hot in real time.

If you haven’t disrobed in front of your laptop or screamed in frustration at a shaky video buffering while your own natural urges could not, have you even had sex? Anyone can bump uglies under fresh, white bedlinen. Staying sexy holding a phone in one hand and… something else in the other is an art form, the mark of a true man.

Whether you’re using Skype, FaceTime, or – and we’ll get to this one – Voice Notes, if you’re doing it digital, you need to get it right.

Location location location

If you live with others, kick everybody else out. You don’t want your big moment ruined by your flatmate Dave wandering in to borrow a fiver. Bedroom is best: you can get comfortable and work your angles better. Sofa sex’s issue is you’re always shooting from below, flattering precisely nobody. Don’t forget background checks: tidy up so there are no distractions – nothing worse than hitting your zenith only for your viewer to say, “Have you been eating Jaffa Cakes in bed again? I can see the empty box on the side”.

Make a connection

Your internet has to be NASA-grade, so strong and up-to-date it can see through time. You’re giving those fibre optic cables a night to remember so don’t even attempt this unless your modem makes the Millennium Falcon look as powerful as a doorbell. Video sex on a mobile is for hyper-intensive 4G subscribers only. Work out when your wifi or 4G is at its peak and time the video date accordingly. Spontaneity is a nice idea but preparation is key if you don’t want three hours of “Bad signal. I’ll call you back nnnggggg, oh too late”.

Handle your equipment

Place laptops on a flat surface, or for mobiles invest in a selfie stick, or tripod or whatever it takes. Trying to direct a masterpiece with one hand won’t work. Don’t be afraid to try out a few different positions for your camera – or yourself – before you dial in. You want them to devour you with their eyes, not remark that you’ve got a boil on your chin that wants lancing. It’s like the ultimate selfie – find your angle and get to work.

Look the part

Be clean, look sharp, remember why you’re here. Sure, at home, you roll over, tap the shoulder and you’re in business, but over video, you have to work harder. Best not to be totally naked from the off – “Why have you got your thumb right up to the lens? OH.” Can you imagine? Instead, a clean, plain T – white is good for extra James Dean fantasy points, I guess – and some shorts or loungers that you can easily lose once things get heated. As sexy as the sound of a zip being undone might be, the sight of you painstakingly peeling off your skinnies will not set their heart a-flutter

Set the mood

Work out beforehand what’s going on. Is this a two-way show? If you or your partner isn’t ready to go full-on mutual masturbation, maybe suggest they watch you while in the bath, or on the bed. Let things develop gradually. You may want to skip straight to the main event but your general vibe should be “charming seduction” and not “frenetic faceless bunk-up with a downcast stranger on a webcam”. Good lighting is important, so ask them to avoid sitting in the neon-bright study, glaring at you like you’re trapped in a snow globe.

Script must match the action

Sexy talk ONLY. If you can’t do dirty chat, try moaning, saying “Yes” and telling them how great they look and how hot they make you. Absolutely banned: filling each other on family gossip while you frot; mulling over a future conservatory; having an argument about finances while trying to get your money shot.

Eyes on the prize

Watch what they’re doing, how they’re responding. It’s tempting, yes, to check yourself on the camera but remember there’s somebody else there and this is supposed to be about that connection. If you’re desperate to know what your orgasm face is like, film it when alone. Spoiler, it’s like everybody else’s – man drinks vinegar, drops anvil on toe, and reels from the pain of a thousand paper cuts, all at the same time, while sweating profusely.

Watch your privacy

Be aware of who might have access to the network you’re using, where you store any recordings and who else might get hold of your partner’s phone. By the same token, don’t share any videos sent to you; you could actually be on very dodgy legal ground under so-called “revenge porn” laws.

Be wary of strangers

Video sex with someone you don’t know is generally more fun because they can’t berate you for forgetting your sister’s birthday, but use common sense when stripping off for a stranger on cam, especially if in a relationship with someone else. They could be recording you, or not who they say they are. Best not to do anything unless you can be sure the person you’re on camera with is definitely who you think they are. If they won’t go on camera, they are probably full of it.

No pictures!

Camera shy? Try audio only, or even a good old phone call, although you’ll need hands-free to make it worth your while. Getting intimate on the phone is a good way to build confidence before you pivot to video. Tossing off is the easy part, really; it’s the charm that’s hard to nail without a bit of practice. Think of phone sex, then, as the stabilisers on your bike.

Voice memos

If filming yourself is too much, and you can’t bring yourself to talk dirty on the phone, voice memos can keeping the fires burning. Seriously, it’s a thing. Apps like Voice Notes or Voice Memos on your phone are a big hit among the more socially reticent. It can give you time to prepare what you’re going to say and, when you receive one, you don’t have to react straightaway, so you’re not under pressure. The thrill of a new message coming through – be alone when you play them, please, it’s only fair – is like old-school messaging but with the added frisson of hearing their voice… and other noises. Word of warning: fully prepare to go viral if you a) sound like a train driver reading out all the stops to Linlithgow over a PA system or b) send it to the wrong person.