The command “send nudes” both terrifies and inspires. The request for a dick pic can be, if received at the right time and welcomed, a great honour. It’s a sign things are moving onto the next stage, a stage that… sees you move closer to actually having sex. In fact, in keeping with the stage theme, a nude is something of an audition.

So how do you make sure you don’t flunk it, end up tossed on a pile of rejects, the also-rans, part of a club whose members’ own members were deemed not quite good enough? It’s not just about the aesthetics, although they are important.

Know your audience

Once it’s established that the intended recipient definitely wants to receive skin shots from you – a dick pic should never stand in for a first hello – think about where this is going. What kind of person are they? Will they show it to someone else? People are always going to show their mates their latest nudes bulletins, so the chances are pretty high that this pic is going to be judged by a jury. Once the photo is in their possession, control is theirs. Do you trust them?

Before you take the pic, take instruction, ask what they’d like to see. A request for nudes or a dick pic seems direct, but it could be interpreted millions of ways. What are they after? Might a video work better? Tailoring the pic to their desires is half the fun and shows you care about this piece of art, that you’re not just flinging cock-shots out into the ether.

Composition

Just as there’s much more to sex than the in and out, there’s way more to a dick pic than point and shoot. Lighting is important, so experiment with different levels to suit your skin tone. Fluorescent strip lighting bouncing off lily-white skin, for example, will make you look like a horny iceberg. Darker skinned guys should aim to have a softer light source close up or take advantage of natural light. Should you go for a dick pic only or a full nude? Either way, the inclusion of some of your body – your stomach and thighs, for example – make the experience feel more human. It’s best to avoid showing your face – it’s one less thing for you to worry about and gurning, leering or tongue-betwixt-teeth bitter concentration as you try to ace the angle do not a horny pic make. Otherwise, show as much of the bod as you can: seeing not just the dick but what it’s attached to helps feed the fantasy. They can imagine your entire body wrapped round them, think about what your arms might feel like as you hold them. For best results, then, avoid close-ups and make full use of the automatic timer. Invest in a small tripod – or a big one, if size matters to you – to avoid balancing issues.

Elongate your body by shooting from above – this should also accentuate your chest and ab muscles. A profile view can give an idea of size and also a thrilling peek at your butt at the same time. Shooting from below can be tricky unless you’re Godzilla in the salami stakes, so tread carefully.

And: touch it. Yes, touch your penis in the picture. It gives a sense of scale, feels more intimate and can fire up their imagination. A hand gently placed at the base – perfect. For optimum results, go for a fresh out the shower look – you’ll look clean and fresh, plus the light will reflect off droplets of water on your body and, let’s face it, most of us look better wet than dry.

The star attraction

You should aim to be erect – floppiness rarely scores well in dick pics. Balls should definitely be visible – no need to grab them, please – and there should’ve been some light manscaping to ensure nobody’s being overshadowed. Going full Hollywood on the pubic region and scrotum feels overzealous and like you might watch too much porn. If in doubt, and you’re willing to take requests, ask. Trim, don’t sculpt. All your body, but especially the penis and balls, should be moisturised before any photography takes place and the use of filters, smoothing or other tricks is 100 per cent verboten. This is supposed to be sexy, not sci-fi – save your special effects for another time.

Remember you don’t always have to be nude – if you’re too shy for full gonzo “here I am everyone!”, photographing your John Thomas playing peekaboo through clean and attractive underwear or throbbing under grey joggers may well get them going too. It’s about the power of suggestion.

By the way, if you’re thinking of sending a money shot… well, it can work, but only if you know each other well. It should never be your opener. “Don’t shoot too soon” is a mantra that can serve you well in many areas of your life.

Setting

The traditional settings for a nude are the bedroom – a good choice, with white bed linen (bright white) and lighting (not so bright) – and the bathroom, also a great choice. But you can mix this up with other locales. A quick outdoor flash or a nude taken somewhere unexpected will get you remembered, but also potentiality arrested, so choose carefully. Nudes snapped in public toilets are really, truly not the one – I don’t think anyone wants to think of you dropping your trunks in the accessible loo in the Westfield Costa.

Wherever you are, do background checks: sweep aside piles of laundry and cluttered worktops; probably lose wardrobe and cupboard doors; clean mirrors. Anything that distracts or detracts from the main feature (you) needs to go. And yet, don’t overthink it – some people like artier shots but unless you have good intel that this is what they want, make it look simple, like you just snapped a quick couple of shots in your place that always looks like this, totally relaxed and up for whatever. The photo can say way more about you than simply revealing what’s living behind your trouser fabric.

Portfolio

Once you get a good one, make sure you keep it on file. Build up a small, (encrypted!) collection of your best shots, just in case. Even if you’re not answering a specific request, why not take a few shots anyway? Experiment with lighting, location, grooming – find what works best for you so that when the “send nudes” bat-signal does come, you’ll be ready. If you’re one of those people who loses a phone every Saturday night, however, or has a password that’s “1234UK”, maybe don’t do this.

Things to remember

  • Never send an unsolicited dick pic. It’s sexually aggressive, is harassment and is only likely to get you blocked or reported. It’s deeply uncool. Seriously. Obviously there are situations where an unrequested nude would be welcomed – but if you have no way of knowing for sure, don’t do it.

  • Don’t demand nudes in return. Reciprocal nudes are a nice thought but nobody is under any obligation to send you pics. Be aware before you send yours that any promise of reciprocation may be broken.

  • For goodness sake, check your employment contract before you send. Just in case your dong goes viral.

  • Never leak anyone else’s nudes in anger. This is actually a criminal offence and also gross, ungentlemanly behaviour. Sending and receiving nudes is a contract of trust between you and the other person/people – respect each other’s boundaries and be aware of the impact of your behaviour.

  • One more time for the people at the back: moisturise!